Information provided by Dr. Diana Bitner, true. Women's Health:
Takeaway Tip: Have clear intention for the holidays and plan ahead. Holiday joy is possible.
Community is an important part of living a long life, but family dynamics can be tough to balance during the holiday season.
A happy holiday doesn't just happen, it takes planning and intention.
Guiding Principles:
- Be curious. Ask, "That's interesting, how do you see it that way?"
- Show others that you see them, who they are as individuals with a gift or with a question
- Find common ground. What do people care about? Ask!
- It's not always about you, it's about the kids, and creating family. Be the adult in the room.
- Be open to other people's ideas
- Earn trust
- Give space
- Have clear intention, how do you want to feel when the event is over?
Boundaries are also an important component of healthy family gatherings. These boundaries should protect and keep everyone safe and emotionally steady. The book Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend breaks these into categories:
- Safety: Physical, Emotional, and Psychological. This is not tolerating aggression, mocking, or shame and protecting your inner world by being prepared to state “I’m not ok with this, either this stops or one of us leaves”
- Topics: if there are issues which family members cannot be open to or discuss without judgement (i.e. politics) then they are off limits, and redirect.
- Time: decide when you arrive and when you leave, keeping the freedom to choose
- Expectations: to not have to be the peacemaker, to manage other’s behaviors-other people are in charge of their own
- Alcohol and Substances: decide your limit and decide the limit of what you and or your children will be around
- Past grievances: “I am not hashing over old issues at this gathering. If we need to address, let’s schedule a time”
- Boundaries with kids: what they will be exposed to (Uncle Gary’s prison stories-no!), what food rules, what social media rules, what nicknames can be used, and how gifts are handled
- Boundaries with your own energy and limits: “I’m going to take a break now” or “no”
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